Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

2009’s Oscar nominees: What if Celebrity Nudity Database.com picked the winners?

Illustration for article titled 2009’s Oscar nominees: What if Celebrity Nudity Database.com picked the winners?

Sure, Wikipedia gets all the credit for exemplifying the ability of Internet users to create collectively a useful reference work. But as anyone who’s ever needed to know, say, the number of movies featuring Anthony Hopkins nude scenes (two) complete with critiques of said nude scenes’ quality (“if for some reason you've ever wanted to see Hannibal Lecter without his clothes this movie will do the trick”), there’s only one place to go: The Celebrity Nude Database at cndb.com. Tirelessly cared for and update by fans of celebrity nudity, CNDB makes no pretense of offering film criticism, per se. But its thoroughness makes it possible to treat as another predictive indicator of this year’s Academy Awards. So who would win if CNDB users had their way? Let’s take a moment…


Best Picture:

Apart from a brief glimpse of supporting actor Matthew MacFadyen’s buttocks in Frost/Nixon (“pretty decent, all things considered”), only Milk and The Reader feature any nudity, with The Reader garnering slightly better notices. Of Sean Penn’s Milk nudity, commenter JohnnyWad notes approvingly that a sex scene with Diego Luna features a “nice tushy slap” but feels shortchanged by co-star James Franco’s swimming scene: “A pleasing rump roast, but no dick as they promised, like they always do. Liars.” Another user finds much to like about The Reader, however, noting that it features not only her breasts (“probably a C-cup”) but also her “arse and furburger.” “A harrowing movie in places,” the commenter continues, “but luckily not in the places where she's showing her body. I'll be getting the DVD for some personal, private viewings.”

Winner: The Reader

Best Actor:

Acting awards are as often handed out for careers as for specific performances. With that in mind, we can rule out Frank Langella, who receives pitiful notices for his nude work in Lolita (“Hes [sic] not attractive”) even if he gets points for daring (“his gown opens to show his penis and balls.”) Brad Pitt’s several nude scenes over the years get approving notices—a commenter on Twelve Monkeys: “HIS BUTT LOOKED REALLY GOOD IN THAT MOVIE—but it sounds like Mickey Rourke might be the one to beat here. A user named “Cobain” notes, referring to Angel Heart, that “Mickey Rourke is really hot, this scene isn’t an good one, cause its to much blood in it, so it isn’t so erotic.” But Rourke’s work in the all-but-forgotten 1989 St. Francis Of Assisi biopic Francesco finds a passionate advocate in Ozzie700, who awards points for both bravery and natural gifts: “Mickey has a few rear and frontal scenes while running through snow. Nice size, especially since the weather had to be cold.”

Winner: Rourke

Best Actress:

This one comes down to a contest between the oft-nude-in-the-past Angelina Jolie and the oft-nude-now-and-for-the-foreseeable future Kate Winslet. While Jolie receives CNDB raves for her early work, viewers of Changeling don’t seem particularly happy with the direction her current nudity has taken. “We see her mostly from the waist up but it's hard to really see anything except side cleavage because she covers her boobs with her arms,” Immy writes of a scene in which Jolie gets wrongfully imprisoned in a mental hospital. But the one-star review does note that, “she gets a brief but rough body cavity search.” There’s no such tempered enthusiasm in Texasmovieman’s approving three-star review of Reader: “She still has the sexyest [sic] breasts there are.”


Winner: Winslet

Best Supporting Actor:

All nominees here have done nude scenes in the past, with Heath Ledger’s nude work finding the most enthusiastic following, albeit one now tempered with sadness. All but Philip Seymour Hoffman have found praise on CNDB; his sex scene in Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead gets dismissed as “…even more vomit-inducing than Kathy Bates's scene in About Schmidt.”


Winner: Not Hoffman

Best Supporting Actress:

CNDB users seem universally in favor of Marisa Tomei’s work in The Wrestler, praising her fitness for a woman of her age, or any age. But user damn_crazy_bastard stops short of an all-out-rave noting, “Her body is tight and she's no longer afraid to show it” but explaining the choice of a three-star rating succinctly: “My fourth star is reserved for those who show bush.” Maybe next year?


Winner: Tomei