6:10pm:Oh God. DePandi is threatening to do a "play by play" of people's outfits as they come down the red carpet with one of those pens that football commentators use.

6:12pm: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard and all of their vowels are the first to be subjected to Seacrest. Evidently, she's nervous. How does E! hammer this point home? By putting Gyllenhaal and Sarsgaard in a tiny box, and showing Wolfgang Puck in full-screen holding some kind of sculpture made out of edible Oscars.

6:13pm:OMG! It's the first Oscar night commercial. And it's for age spot cream! Only two more hours of this red carpet coverage to go!

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6:16pm: De Pandi just drew a yellow line across Gyllenhaal's dress. It was really helpful in seeing, uh, something.

6:19-6:23pm: Evidently, Larry David is there! But there is way, way too much going on on the screen to concentrate on one thing or person: a news crawl along the bottom, a tiny box along the side, Debbie Matenopoulus's clavicle, etc. I feel like I'm having a seizure just trying to watch this.