7:10pm: Wait a minute. Ellen is gay? The Barbara Walters Special really is illuminating. 7:12pm: Coming up: Helen Mirren. A British friend here just informed me that she's famous in the UK for "taking her kit off," which sounds like some kind of disease, but apparently means "taking her clothes off." If so, I hope she wins. A little streaking would definitely break up the ceremony nicely. 7:20pm: Wait. And Jennifer Hudson was on American Idol? Who knew? I wonder what she would say to Simon Cowell now, you know? Oh, Barbara Walters just asked that. She really digs for the truth behind these nominees. 7:24pm: Fergie just kissed my television as part of a Candies commercial. I swear I can smell the meth (or at least hear the endless stories about her meth abuse). 7:30pm: Barbara Walters is interviewing Helen Mirren in what can only be described as a state-of-the-art office set from 1990. 7:35pm: Barbara Walters just asked Helen Mirren if she thinks that the best is yet to come. Because, you know, the acting opportunities for 62-year-old actresses increase exponentially with each year. By the time she's 80, she'll probably be starring in every movie that gets made. 7:52pm: Eddie Murphy deserves to lose the Oscar for the explosive-black-man accent and fake crying spell he just did for three minutes straight.