Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Agony, fire, and buckets of goo: Meet Hasbro's horrifying new Ghostbusters: Afterlife Mini-Puft toys

Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Screenshot: Sony Pictures, YouTube

Yesterday, a new Ghostbusters: Afterlife preview clip came out with Paul Rudd fending off an aggressively cute/chaotic army of tiny Stay-Puft Marshmallow Men as they desperately tried to kill themselves and each other—because this, evidently, is what “the fans” want out of Ghostbusters. Dubbed Mini-Pufts, the little creeps were very obviously created as an attempt to get some of that sweet Baby Yoda/Baby Groot/Baby Peanut money, but combined with the madcap energy of the gremlins from Gremlins, and it seemed like it was just a matter of time before we started seeing a bunch of adorable Mini-Pufts merchandise. Now, a little over 24 hours later, our assumptions have been confirmed with the reveal of… oh god, what the hell is this thing?

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Ghostbusters Mini-Puft Surprise
Ghostbusters Mini-Puft Surprise
Photo: Hasbro

Sorry, you thought Muncher was fucked-up? Get out of here. This thing makes Muncher look like a cuddly friend who deserves to be loved (which Muncher is not). The clip implied that the Mini-Pufts wanted to be on fire, but this guy is mad about being on fire and also he wants to give you a hug so that you are on fire as well. It’s like if Woody gave in and put Forky in the garbage in Toy Story 4, but then Forky got pissed and tried to put Woody in the garbage. We’ve all been through a lot in the last year, we don’t need toxic people like this little asshole in our lives.

Anyway, that grotesque bastard is part of a new line of Ghostbusters: Afterlife figures that Hasbro announced today. They’re 1.5 inches tall, cost about $6 each, and are sold in a little tub of what the press release refers to as a “goopy marshmallow-like compound,” which means you can’t know which one you’re getting until you pop open the can of goo and dump it on the rug, or your dog, or your mother’s nice couch (the three places where toy goo always ends up). And just in case you think we purposefully picked out the one that looked the worst so we could have something to be snarky about (we get it, but do you really think so little of us?), here are some other Mini-Pufts to replace the Muncher in your nightmares:

At this point, dear readers, we must unfortunately come clean about something: We did purposefully pick out the bad Mini-Pufts so we could be snarky about them. Whoops, you got us. We’re really sorry. See, there is one Mini-Puft that rules so hard that it justifies the entire damned operation—and we’re not just talking about these toys, but Ghostbusters: Afterlife as a whole. We are very proud to introduce our new best friend, the Mini-Puft with sunglasses and a cocktail umbrella:

Ghostbusters Mini-Puft Surprise
Ghostbusters Mini-Puft Surprise
Photo: Hasbro
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Utterly magnificent. Breathtakingly beautiful. Chill AF. This is a guy worth digging through goo for, and that’s not something we say lightly. There are people we know in real life who we would consider leaving in the goo, but not this guy. We would eat every last bucket of goo for him without a second thought. (Note: You’re definitely not supposed to eat the goo, so we shouldn’t even be joking about it. Please DO NOT EAT THE GOO.) These Mini-Pufts, most of which are a disaster and should be sent to prison for their crimes, will be available this fall. Ghostbusters: Afterlife will be in theaters on November 21.