In a time long long ago, in a land far far away, Demi Moore was an actress. Now she is the person that Ashton Kutcher sometimes takes pictures of to post to his Twitter. But on occasion, when the mood strikes her and a pole, support column, or leg of scaffolding is available, Demi Moore sinks back into the fog of time until suddenly it's 1996 and she's back on the set of Striptease again. "Excuse me. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" she wonders aloud (as was the custom at the time) to no one in particular. "Woo! Someone crank the Wild Orchid," she yells before crossing the room and launching herself onto the nearest pole. It is always a sad, strange spectacle—but no one, especially Ashton Kutcher, dares to tell her that it's 2010, and non-strip-club pole-dancing has long-cycled past "naughty fun" to "popular workout for moms" to "marker of extreme desperation."

Recently, though, Demi Moore took her pole-dancing reveries one step further. Either that or someone at Page Six is playing awful gossip item Mad Libs.

From Page Six:

Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. A partygoer told Life & Style that the "Striptease" star "even spun around the pole upside down." Then Rumer gave it a whirl as Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio cheered her on at the recent bash. "Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five," the source added.


That high-five between Leo DiCaprio and Ashton Kutcher is like an exclamation point on the giant "Ugh" that is this story.

What Page Six failed to report is that the second that Ashton Kutcher and Leo DiCaprio high-fived over Demi Moore's impromptu mother-daughter pole-dancing class, a small though sturdy wave of awfulness was born then rippled across the globe, quickly gathering strength until it landed right on top of an orphanage in Southern China, crushing the building completely. Miraculously, no one was hurt—but those orphans are now homeless thanks to the nexus of awful that was created that night at the Chateau Marmont.