Movies in New York City are $12.50 now, and Ashton Kutcher's new unbelievably-dull-LA-asshole-falls-in-love-ouch! movie Spread is apparently 97 minutes long, which comes out to about 13 cents a minute. That may not seem like that much—until you consider that:

1. Spread is basically those Ashton-Kutcher-is-an-asshole-so-buy-this-camera! Nikon CoolPix ads stretched out to movie length, and you can watch those ads for free (without the tedious playa-gets-played-by-love plot).

2. Any amount of money is too much to pay for the privilege of hearing Ashton Kutcher's "I'm-serious-acting-now" phlegm-blocked voiceover.

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3. A 50% (or more) discount should be applied to any movie containing Ashton Kutcher, in order to compensate for the corrosive effect of his grating presence on the film.     

I can't wait to see how this movie ends. Do you think Ashton will get dumped by the girl version of his particular brand of asshole, and then spend the last 5 minutes of the movie reminicing about their relationship while flipping through photos on his Nikon CoolPix camera? Or do you think Ashton and GirlAshton will stay together and go frolic on the beach while taking pictures of each other with their respective Nikon CoolPix cameras? Or do you think maybe Ashton will tragically choke to death after accidentally swallowing his Nikon CoolPix camera while trying to take a picture of his uvula, and then GirlAshton will host a tribute/exhibition of the resulting photos at the hottest poolside gallery in LA?

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Anything could happen!