The schlock merchants responsible for College should be grateful that it opened on the same day as Disaster Movie. In any other week, the risible teen sex romp would walk away with the prize for most pathetic excuse for a comedy. Yet insulting audiences with College and Disaster Movie on the same weekend threatens to split the lucrative, undiscriminating dumb-ass demographic.
A film that threatens to give gratuitous nudity, profanity, and rank stupidity a bad name, College casts Drake Bell of Nickelodeon's Drake & Josh (you can probably guess which one he plays) as an uptight high-school senior whose girlfriend dumps him for being boring. Eager to prove her wrong, Bell heads to a local college for a Dionysian weekend alongside McLovin wannabe Kevin Covais (rapidly burning off the 15 minutes in the spotlight his turn on American Idol afforded him) and hard-partying fat slob Andrew Caldwell, who appears to be the product of an experiment to clone Chris Farley gone horribly awry. The three wan stereotypes end up crashing at a disreputable fraternity house under the Stalin-like rule of suspiciously ancient actors who haven't looked college-age since early in the Clinton era.
College is powered by alternating currents of wish-fulfillment and mindless cruelty. So the hapless high-school dorks spend 10 percent of the film inexplicably getting laid, 80 percent of the film getting humiliated, and 10 percent enacting unlikely revenge on their geriatric tormentors. It's a joyless misfire determined to deliver the time-tested staples of the college comedy—pot-smoking, binge drinking, cruel pranks, anonymous hook-ups, authority-offending, nonstop boobage—in the most perfunctory, least satisfying manner imaginable. It's not an encouraging sign when the appearance of a urination-happy Verne Troyer—in his worst film of the summer, no small feat considering the competition is Uwe Boll's Postal and Mike Meyers' The Love Guru—classes up the proceedings considerably. First-time director Deb Hagan desperately wants her hard-R College to be Superbad. Instead, it's merely god-awful.