Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Evidence That Gwyneth Paltrow's Gym Is Totally Reasonable

Evidence that Gwyneth Paltrow's recently-opened gym is a totally reasonable business (as outlined in recent articles in USA Today and The UK Telegraph):

Illustration for article titled Evidence That Gwyneth Paltrows Gym Is Totally Reasonable

1. It's run by a tiny nugget of sinew covered in tightly pulled orange skin, Tracy Anderson—and she is not at all insane. Especially when it comes to matters like food, and food-shame:

When she first started training Paltrow and Madonna, her method was so effective that she could eat whatever she wanted and still maintain her shape. 'When I first met with them I literally was dunking a double stuffed Oreo into a can of processed icing, and I can’t remember which one it was, but whichever one I was with called the other one that minute and was, like, “This is insane. Do you know what she’s doing right now? Let me tell you what she’s doing – she’s killing herself!” ’ Now 80 per cent of the time she eats no dairy produce, wheat or processed food; she has a green juice (made of spinach, kale, chard, apple, lemon, ginger and parsley) every day and is writing a book of recipes that can 'whip stubborn fat off you in the click of a finger’. She insists, however, that she eats a brownie made by her chef every morning, and that she is 'butter-cream-frosting obsessed’.


She's obsessed, obsessed with frosting. She thinks about it constantly! Which is what you'd probably do too if you were depriving yourself of something you truly enjoy simply because Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna shame you out of it.

2. It's not a gym. It's a studio, because that just sounds more expensive.

"This is the first studio to provide the same level of work-outs that Madonna and Gwyneth do. Every single person has a customised programme every 10 days. It’s the absolute Bentley of what my method is."


3. Even though it's the Bentley of gyms, excuse me, the Bentley of studios, it is for the people. Tracy Anderson is like Robin Hood or a superhero! (according to Tracy Anderson)

"I didn’t invent this just for an elite group. My favourite thing is to change every woman. I walk down the street and it’s almost like a super-hero feeling, like, “I could do this for that person.” It’s just about getting the content and information out there."


4. It only costs $900 a month, which, when you think about it is totally a bargain for a gym/studio run by an insane person and smugness personified!

Each of the 600 members gets a customized workout that changes every 10 days. The initiation is $790 to $1,500; monthly membership fees are $900.

But you get what you pay for, Paltrow says. "Tracy has something truly unique and truly brilliant. I wanted to help her bring her method to more people as it has had such a positive effect on my life."


See? For an intitation of $1500 and $900 per month you get to help Gwyneth Paltrow spread her positivity! You're so lucky they made this service available to you.

5. Tracy Anderson's method is totally not a scam or a gimmick. She swears. In fact, she hates gimmicks:

"My mission is to give every woman the tools to look and feel their best and be able to do everything 100 per cent. To love their bodies, to absolutely not have cellulite, to not spend their money on gimmicks, to not have their emotions messed with. To not think they can’t lose the baby weight – no way! Don’t even go down that miserable road! My method is the best girlfriend you could ever have!"


She doesn't want to mess with your emotions, ladies, or sell you a gimmick. She just wants to sell you a $900/month gym membership or DVD that will be your bestest girlfriend. What could possibly be wrong with that?

6. Anderson's method includes rubber bands. That hang from the ceiling. And intense ballet. She made these things up!

Anderson has created several proprietary systems, including rubber bands that hang from the ceiling and tone the arms and upper body, as well as parallel metal bars used to perfect the legs and bottom through a blend of cardio ballet.


Oh, also something called "Bar/Cubes." Don't you want to know what a Bar/Cube is? Finding out is definitely worth at least $900/month.

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