Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Evidence That Mel Gibson Did Not Assault Some Guy's T-Shirt

Evidence That Mel Gibson Did Not Assault Some Guy's T-Shirt (According to TMZ):

1. First and foremost, everyone knows Mel Gibson is a yeller, not a ripper. Until he figures out a way to shred the clothing of others with the sheer force of his verbal assaults—perhaps strapping a few ninja stars to the word "sugartits" before spitting it out?—the many super-V-neck tees of Hollywood are safe.

Law enforcement sources tell us the man who filed a battery claim against Mel Gibson is making the story up and no criminal charges will be pursued.

Mel does verbal battery, not t-shirt battery.

2. Mel was just doing what any other 52-year-old recovering alcoholic would be doing on a Wednesday night—wedging himself into a small nightclub booth with his pregnant girlfriend.

We're told after interviewing the man — who claims Gibson tore his shirt after he attempted to take a picture of the star at Playhouse in Hollywood — cops believe it was impossible for Gibson to have even made contact with him. They tell us Gibson was wedged in a booth with his pregnant girlfriend and couldn't have grabbed the guy's shirt.

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Mel tried to get the roomier maternity booth at Playhouse, but it was already occupied. Good thing, though, since "I couldn't move in the tiny booth with my pregnant girlfriend" is a killer alibi.

3. T-shirts don't lie, people lie about t-shirts. 

Cops say witnesses tell the same story — the guy is making up allegations of battery. No one saw his shirt ripped when he left the club.

They didn't see the shirt ripped because it wasn't ripped: Obviously it was a "distressed tee." 

4. The guy making the allegations against Mel clearly can't be trusted. Just look at him:

Illustration for article titled Evidence That Mel Gibson Did Not Assault Some Guys T-Shirt
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He's clearly one of those screeching, soul-grabbing demons from Ghost. No doubt he approached Mel's microscopic booth, tried to hypnotize Mel with his hellfire eyes, and sunk his claws into the back of Mel's neck in the hope of dragging Mel back into eternal darkness with him. In other words, if Mel did rip the guy's shirt, it was definitely in self-defense.

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