There is an ensemble romantic comedy that is so horrific, so life-drainingly awful that those who were subjected to it feel a dull ache behind the eyes and a slight ringing in the ears, as well as the overwhelming urge to seal up Hugh Grant's laugh lines with putty explosives, whenever its terrible title is uttered. The name of this romantic comedy? Love, Actually
Since 2003, there have been a number of attempts to duplicate the widespread devastation of Love, Actually—most recently with duh parade, He's Just Not That Into You. But so far, no movie has succeeded in grabbing the title of "Number one ensemble comedy people are most likely to say 'Fuck that fucking movie' about" from Love, Actually. This Valentine's day, however, a new ensemble romantic comedy will land with a big greasy splat in theaters, and it will try. It's called Valentine's Day, and judging by the set photos that have trickled out, it looks unbearable.
Evidence That Valentine's Day Might Be The Worst Movie Since Love, Actually:
1. Its success hinges (at least in part) on the white-hot chemistry of Taylor Swift and the teen wolf from Twilight.
She thinks she's Rapunzel, and he is most believable when morphing into a CGI Husky. In other words: this can't miss!
2. Jessica Biel finally gets to show off her comedy chops.
She's a veteran prop comic. Even studied with Carrot Top.
3. In it, Jessica Alba apparently plays an Ann Taylor mannequin brought to life by a magical dog (played by Joe Jonas).
She has to talk on the phone while wearing a wig and walking a dog—which clearly goes against the "No more than one and a half things at a time" anti-multi-tasking clause in Jessica Alba's contract.
4. This happens.
Every movie needs characterization-by-Vespa—just ask I Love You Man.
5. Bradley Cooper's character is apparently Jeremy Piven.
Which is just great casting.
6. The following people are also in this movie: Queen Latifah, Jamie Foxx, Julia Roberts, Patrick Dempsey, Patrick Dempsey's hair, some other guy from Grey's Anatomy, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, George Lopez, and Julia Roberts' niece. That's some diffusion of responsibility!