Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Fine, let's baselessly over-analyze these Snyder Cut chapter titles

Not pictured: King Horse
Not pictured: King Horse
Image: HBO Max

Gird those loins, folks: We are now 15 mere mortal days away from the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League, the film that will finally give fans of superhero movies exactly what they’ve always said they wanted, thus freeing our planet from their collective sense of wrath and entitlement, permanently, and probably winning Snyder a Nobel Peace Prize in the process. HBO Max, the company attempting to ride this bucking bronco of digital grassroots ire, has continued to stoke anticipation for the film—which, today, means that the company has released the chapter titles for Snyder’s epic, because god knows you can’t make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into pithily titled chapters. (To be clear, all chapters will be released as the single four-hour movie.)

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In fact, Justice League will be cut into six chapters, and—having already gotten our affairs in order ahead of the planetary re-alignment heralded by the film’s long-anticipated re-release—we figured he’d do a little good old fashioned baseless speculation about what each of these demarcations could possibly mean.


Chapter One: “Don’t Count On It, Batman”

Now, a simple A to B read of the text would suggest that this is largely centered on the opening portions of the 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry says this exact line to Bruce Wayne when turning down his offer to be one of his “warriors”. But given Snyder’s noted disdain for Joss Whedon’s version of the movie, and love for including extra bonus villains in this new version, we can only assume this chapter will instead include, and focus on, an appearance from classic Batman villain Calculator (don’t count on it, see), possibly dressed up like John The Baptist.

Chapter Two: The Age Of Heroes

A literal reading might suggest that this section will re-hash some of the backstory sections from the original spin of Justice League, showing the ancient battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlanteans, and Amazons against the film’s big bad, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them all on a magic carpet ride straight to hell. The new version, meanwhile—we’re guessing—will be 40 minutes of the film’s heroes telling each other their ages as a sort of teambuilding exercise.

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Chapter Three: Beloved Mother, Beloved Son

Ray Fisher’s Cyborg reveals that the mystical Motherbox that brought both him and Superman back to life is also, improbably, named “Martha.”

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Chapter Four: “Change Machine”

As Steppenwolf combines the Motherboxes to reshape the face of the Earth and herald the coming of his master, Darkseid, Bruce Wayne struggles to park his Knightcrawler all-terrain vehicle, doing that thing where you spend like 10 minutes trying to flatten a dollar bill against the corner of the machine until the goddamn change machine finally accepts it.

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Chapter Five: All The King’s Horses

The Earth’s darkest hour is averted when King Horse, greatest of the planet’s heroes, issues his Titanic Whinny, shaking Steppenwolf’s army to pieces. (The only human casualty of the attack being a man named “Woss Jhedon,” who is buried alive under 40 tons of rubble.) When the Apokaliptan general begs for mercy, King Horse seals his fate in the subsequent League debate by voting “Nay.”

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Chapter Six: Something Darker

All Justice League members, as well as a suddenly appearing Darkseid, turn directly to the camera, encouraging viewers to check out the film’s upcoming, even-less-colorful “Justice Is Gray” version. King Horse shakes his large head wearily, and cantors off to explore the stars.

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And that’s credits, folks, a scant four hours of your life later. A fairly titanic achievement on Snyder’s part, and a fulfillment of his long-brewing vision for this superhero uni—

Wait, really? A mid-credits scene in the Newswire about the superhero movie? How low is this shit going to stoop? Ugh, fine:

Epilogue

Martian Manhunter appears, explains to disappointed Ryan Reynolds fans that he’s all they’re getting this time, so they might as well suck it up and enjoy it.

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Jesus Christ.