Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

What do you think the Apocalypse is gonna be like? Some kind of shiny Boschian scene of despair and debauchery? A giant fireball? The opening credits to The Final Destination 3-D, laughing skeleton, chorus of thrash metal, and all?

Well, if you guessed "Kind of like the Nothing in The Neverending Story" then you're right. According to the movie 2012—which is a documentary about how the world ends sent from the future (wait. what future?) to warn us all to stick close to John Cusack—the Apocalypse is going to be exactly like the Nothing in The Neverending Story, basically just a giant chasm that gradually eats the entire world for no reason. But instead of having the 12-year-old boy who is reading our story in some creepy attic yell out a new name for The Childlike Empress—which, duh, is the only way to stop the Nothing, besides bribery—John Cusack and Amanda Peet try to outrun the Apocalypse. In a limo. And then a tiny plane. Futile? If it's a good Apocalypse, yes. Stupid? Well, they're trying to run away from the Apocalypse, so, yes. Hilarious? Oh yes. Just watch: 

I know what you're thinking: "Isn't the whole point of the Apocalypse to kill everyone/thing?" And, yes, yes it is. But apparently, you can delay your inevitable annihilation by following a few simple steps:

1. Ignoring the Gov. Schwarzenegger's "Don't panic" press conference. That's clearly a Schwartzenegger impersonator. Start panicking.


2. Screaming "California is going down!!" at your ex-wife and kids. How else are you going to get them to think you're not insane?

3. Driving through, not around, collapsed buildings.

4. Staying off the freeway. Look, during the Apocalypse, there are gonna be a lot of people who will say to you, "Take the freeway, it'll be half the time." Those people obviously don't know how the Apocalypse, traffic, and human panic work.


5. Take the time to rent a tiny plane for your getaway. When the Apocalypse does start eating the world, the only thing people will respect any more are confirmation numbers for plane rentals. Be sure to jot yours down before out-running the end of the world.

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