As anyone who saw Twilight: Ballad Of The Melodramatic Papercut this weekend can attest, CGI Huskies are totally the new Abstinence Vampires, breathing near each others' faces is the new kissing, and no character development is the new character development.

But what will be the new emotionally and physically abusive teen monster hotness? What will be the new CGI Huskies?

Apparently it's Beasts With Really Good Balance. More specifically, it's Inside-Out Dudes With Evil Tattoos Who Can Stand On Top Of Bridges For Some Reason.

Oh, and 10 seconds of vague monster transformation is the new movie trailer. Apparently that's all you need to hook our supernatural-creature-lovin' culture these days—eye close-up, girl from High School Musical saying there's something special about him, shot of sinister magical tattoos, running, some yelling about the ugliness inside you, and then bridge perch finale. Boom. You've got everyone's favorite new monster boyfriend. Who wouldn't want to date the ugliness inside you turned inside out? It's like dating a funhouse mirror but with creepy moving tattoos!

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I know, I know. You used to have to walk 10 miles through the snow and endure a full minute of voice-over and shadows just to get a stupid monster boyfriend story.

These days, the kids have it so easy, and yet somehow so much stupider.

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