Recently, Howard Stern and Jamie Foxx, two titans of radio (which is a thing that your grandparents used to watch instead of television, or, if you're a proud TV shunner, it's the thing that houses the NPR) have been engaging in zoo crew rumbles, which are the worst kind of rumbles. They're basically just a cacophony of wacky noises, and someone named "Crazy Connie" giggling, and what sounds like a roomful of about 20 people talking at once. No one wins. Everyone with ears loses.
As far as I can tell, what happened was this: because he is an adult, Howard Stern implied that Jamie Foxx was gay. And, because he is also an adult, Jamie Foxx took great umbrage with this implication. Normally, those of us on Earth wouldn't hear about Jamie Foxx vs. Howard Stern because this particular zoo crew rumble, like most zoo crew rumbles these days, took place far, far away from human ears on satellites floating in space. But in his completely and utterly unnecessary denial of Howard Stern's gay joke, Jamie Foxx said something so astronomically absurd that his comment shot back through the atmosphere and landed here on Earth with a great "What?" for all of us to hear:
"I'm not gay…A lot of people say that I'm gay and that doesn't bother me, because I could eat a pizza in a male shower and not feel anything because I'm secure with myself. And I'm not gonna take that, Coward Stern. I'm not gonna take that from a person who has chronic gonorrhea."
Zing? [insert sound of 1000 rubber chickens falling from the ceiling] You can listen to Jamie Foxx's "I'm so not gay because of pizza and showers" speech here, but please do not do this unless you want to hear what a tunnel of overlapping yells sounds like.
Silly Jamie Foxx. Everyone knows that eating pizza in an all-male shower doesn't shield you from contracting virulent airborne gayness. As we learned from Nathan's interview with Bronson Pinchot, Tom Cruise holds the true key to passing the straight test:
[Tom Cruise] was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?”
So there you have it: Get your ice cream before you encounter gay people and/or eat pizza in the shower, and you'll never be gay. This message is brought to you by the Foxx & Cruise Weirdly Homophobic Alliance.