As mirthful as an icicle straight up your ass, the long-awaited pairing of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad finally hits the silver screen. Schwarzenegger plays an overworked father whose child and wife both resent his distance. On Christmas Eve, he realizes that the only possible way to redeem himself is to acquire the Turbo Man action figure his son demands as the latest addition to the trendily cluttered architectural nightmare they call home. There's an important lesson here, revealed by Sinbad in a touching coffee-shop confession: If you don't meet the demands of your media-brainwashed children, they will turn out to be demented, booze-guzzling postal workers like the character he plays. Scenes of crazed Mall of America customers writhing on top of one another in a mad rush to purchase Turbo Man play like pornography for hard-line free-market advocates. You'll writhe, too, during scenes such as an assault on Schwarzenegger at the hands of a bunch of low-life Santas led by James Belushi—a man whose very presence is sure movie poison. If there is a bottom of the Hollywood barrel, Jingle All The Way has been gleaned from the filth upon which that bottom rests.