Cramming the already-cramped concept of the “teaser” trailer into a half-subliminal visual poke, spy sequel Kingsman: The Golden Circle managed to compress its entire first promo, released today, into a mere four second span—bookended by shots of the fictitious British spy service’s logo, which take up twice as much time as the actual footage.
Past synopses for the film have indicated that stars Mark Strong and Taron Egerton will be making their way to the States for this outing, teaming up with Halle Berry and her U.S.-based team of espionage cowboys in order to bring down Julianne Moore’s evil chemical empire. We feel a little silly repeating all that, of course, since the trailer makes it perfectly clear.
Still, if you found the video’s “blipverts, but louder” approach a little overwhelming, we’re here to help. Please enjoy our meditative tone poem “Channing Tatum, Cowboy Burger Butterfly,” a succinct encapsulation of the “proper spy movie”’s stated themes, as assembled by rapidly pausing the trailer roughly 200 times and writing down what we saw:
“Gold tattoo, happy Julianne Moore, umbrella shoot-out, handsome silver cowboy.
Cryogenic beefcake holding hands car chase, gun car jungle cowboy hat!
Mark, Strong and proper, Michael Caine robot dogs.
Exploding donuts and a blue velour gunslinger, with happy Moore and burger.
Butterflies, Channing Tatum, Halle Berry, butterfly, Tatum, Berry.
Robot arm! Robot arm and White House, car chase once again.
Julianne Moore seems happy. Poppyland. Tates.”
Phew! We’re glad we could clear that up.