Leo DiCaprio: So how bout those Lakers?
Zac Efron: We're watching them right now.
Leo DiCaprio: (laughs) Indeed we are, my friend. Indeed we are. You're that kid from Musical High School, right?
Zac Efron: High School Musical, yeah.
Leo DiCaprio: Right. Right. Can I give you a little piece of advice? You're doing pretty well right now. Big time heartthrob. Music High! 4: Polka Time is behind you, and you're on top of the world ready to shift your career into high gear. I've been there, man, and lemme tell you, there's one way that you can really fuck this all up. Just do heroin.
Zac Efron: What? I'm not gonna do heroin.
Leo DiCaprio: Right answer, man. Right fucking answer. I mean you'll want some of the sweet, sweet oblivion that only heroin can bring you—you'll want it so, so bad—but you can't give in. If you steer clear of that – the other obstacles you'll be able to navigate.
Zac Efron: Uh, okay. Thanks?
Leo DiCaprio: Don't mention it. Also, at some point in your career, someone is going to tell you, "This stove is hot. Do not touch this stove." And the weird thing is, you'll want to touch it. In fact, you'll have this strange desire to put your Achilles tendon right on the stove. But resist that urge, man. Believe me, watching your Achilles tendon sizzle for a few seconds on a hot stove just isn't worth it.
Zac Efron: Uh…
Leo DiCaprio: It'll ruin your career! Also, even though it will seem like a great idea, don't get one of those bank drive-thru vacuum tube thingies installed at your house. Total waste of time and money, and there are much more efficient ways of transporting the ferrets that we A-list celebrities use as currency.
Zac Efron: You use ferrets as currency?
Leo DiCaprio: (laughs) You mean you haven't gotten your first ferret paycheck yet? Ah, that takes me back! You really are a newbie. Another career tip from me to you: Try not to become homeless. I can't say I've ever been there. But…it looks pretty bad, you know?
Zac Efron: Being homeless? Uh, yeah. That looks pretty bad.
Leo DiCaprio: Word. Anyway, if you want to have a long career, above all else, just don't wake up one morning a decade past your relevancy, stumble to the bathroom, take a seat at your gargantuan illuminated vanity mirror, pick your tired head up to gaze at your face, and then wonder who that bloated old man staring back at you is—cause, dude, that man is you. Trippy, right?
Zac Efron: I'm just gonna watch the game now.
Leo DiCaprio: Me too! How bout those Lakers?