As you're probably more than aware of by now, Valentine's Day—the movie that is sure to be the worst ensemble romantic comedy thus far in human history—is an exercise in diffusion of responsibility. The famous cast is so big that when the movie is eventually blamed for killing comedy, romance, cinema, and the human ideal of love, these actors can look around and honestly claim, "Well, I didn't do it."
How big is the famous cast of Valentine's Day? So big that 75% of the trailer is just dousing the screen in Pepto-pink and listing who's in the movie:
So we've got: Ashton Kutcher playing a wise-crackin' florist; Jessica Alba playing Ashton's fianceé who he apparently dared to wear a terrible wig for all of Valentine's Day; Topher Grace playing the mail room dude who forgot all about Valentine's Day; Jessica Biel playing the saddest woman in the world; Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner playing a high school unicorn and a high school Husky who are interviewed by the local news because they're so blandly in love and apparently nothing else happened in that town that day; Hector Elizando and Shirley MacLaine play sassy grandpa and sassy grandma, respectively; Emma Roberts plays a teen who inexplicably talks about sex with her grandparents; Julia Roberts plays a woman in a drab sweater who flirts with Jeremy Piven on a plane on Valentine's Day; Bradley Cooper plays Jeremy Piven; and Jennifer Garner, of course, plays a pedophile.
That still leaves a lot of stars without half-formed, cliché-ridden, Valentine-themed, mini-storylines to agonizingly unfold to the sound of The Black Eyed Peas—and this movie opens in 2 months. Who is going to write them? Garry Marshall? No, he played Mr. Wrigley ("Gum?"—Garry Marshall, A League Of Their Own) in A League Of Their Own. He's done enough. Below are a few suggestions for half-formed, cliché-ridden, Valentine-themed mini-storylines for everyone else in Valentine's Day.
Kathy Bates—Matchmaking psychic of some kind.
Eric Dane—Plays a Russell Stover chocolate-tester/part-time EMT who is always shirtless for some reason.
Patrick Dempsey—A total dork who hires the cool girl at his office to go out with him in the hope of becoming more popular.
Businessman who discovers that he's actually Cupid.
Jamie Foxx—Plays a workaholic news anchor who thinks Valentine's Day is bullshit…until he gets stuck in an elevator with a talking Vermont Teddy Bear and discovers that love is the only thing worth living for. Then he rips out the teddy bear's talking mechanism and swallows it.
Anne Hathaway—Newly divorced and alone she sends herself a massive Edible Arrangements bouquet. After eating the entire thing, she passes out—only to be woken up a few hours later by her brother, Patrick Dempsey, who is wearing a diaper and holding arrows. That's right: her brother is Cupid, and he has to help her find love!
George Lopez—Hilarious ethnic sidekick to Ashton Kutcher's florist character.
Queen Latifah—When her boyfriend dumps her over Valentine's Day dinner, she faints…only to be revived by shirtless EMT, Eric Dane. He hands her a rose as they load her onto the stretcher. They are instantly in love. Happy Valentine's Day!