Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Lost In Space

It's good to see that the people responsible for adapting Lost In Space for the screen went to the trouble of locating Dick Tufeld, the deep-voiced gentleman who played the voice of Robot in the original series. It's a nice touch. However, they pretty much crapped all over everything else. Of course, they had a tough job in the first place: First, take a remarkably lousy Irwin Allen sci-fi series centered ona bickering marooned future family, an ineffectual neurotic robot babysitter which takes everything personally, a prissy space pedophile, and some of the creepiest interpersonal dynamics ever captured on film. Now prepare to put it on today's big screen by assembling the mandatory "stunning" special effects, a pulsating techno theme song, B-list stars from contemporary TV and film, and a horrible, horrible computer-generated space-pet creature that's a cross between a leech and a boiled howler monkey. Then dream up a plot incorporating time travel, genetic mutation, cyberjargon, and saving the Earth—all the worst and most boring elements of science fiction. Finally, type up a list of bad jokes, space-talk, and semi-tough tag lines; label it "script." Make sure that that whole creepy sexual/familial dynamic stays true to the original series. Remind Matt LeBlanc to breathe through his nose. Roll cameras! Oh, and get that original robot-voice guy. Otherwise, your movie is going to be a two-hour cascade of space piss.

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