Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

No Girls Night Is Complete Without Watching Hitch While Having A Discoball-Induced Seizure In A Vat Of Pepto Bismol

There comes a point when you're hanging out with your girls when things just get way boring, you know? You've already danced in a bunch to "Hot N Cold" ("You change your mind/Like a girl changes clothes"  is just so giggleworthy)  three times,  exhausted the whole eyelash-extentions-are they-worth-it?" convo (it's  almost worth loss of vision, almost), and the Flirtinis have been flowing for a while now through the special Flirtini glasses you personalized with metallic paint  pens  at the beginning of the night (Make every occasion a special occasion!). You and your BFFs are way buzzed and way bored. There's only one solution: watch a Girls Night In movie! Those are the movies that you watch with your girls when you want to feel like you're 14 and at a slumber party again which isn't that hard because mentally you've chosen to stagnate there!

But it's sooo hard to figure out which movies would be good Girls Night In movies, largely because the (hilarious) tiny sequin cowboy hats you and your friends are joke-wearing are cutting off the circulation to the decision-making centers of your brains. Well, Sony Home Entertainment has made choosing a Girls Night In movie much, much easier by putting the bestest GNI movies in Pepto-Bismol pink cases. It's perfect because ladies love to buy pink things because they know that pink is for ladies and marketers have to indicate lady things somehow. What? Genius!

Illustration for article titled No Girls Night Is Complete Without Watching emHitch /emWhile Having A Discoball-Induced Seizure In A Vat Of Pepto Bismol

Lest you think that I'm overreacting to a marketing push aimed at adolescent girls planning a slumber party, instead of grown-ups planning a "GNI!", Sony's website is very clear about who they're targeting: Grown-up, Cosmo-drinking silhouettes with scarecrow fingers who are trapped inside a purple lava lamp:

Look: It's like MST3K as filtered through the plastic brain-space of a Bratz! doll.


Okay, Sony. I'll grant you that a few of these movies are natural choices for a movie night, pink packaging definitely not required: Dick, for instance, is a really funny movie; so are Center Stage and Cruel Intentions, but for entirely different reasons. I'll even allow you Rent, but only with the closed captioning turned on (I saw Rent that way during a snowstorm, which sounds like the beginning to an episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive, but  seeing subtitles like  "(energetic guitar solo)" or "(bright  orchestral fanfare plays)" while the kid from Adventures In Babysitting dramata-sang about measuring life in love made the whole thing much less torturous.)

But HitchOnly You? Blonde Ambition? Nice try. You can dip those DVDs in the magical glittery pink vomit of unicorns, and still no one's going to buy them.

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