Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Steven Seagal is a rotten potato person who runs like an incontinent toddler with noodles for arms

Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal
Photo: Clive Mason (Getty Images)

Steven Seagal is a frequently accused sexual predator and all-around dumpster human. He also runs like a toddler who just pissed his pants in the local grocery story and is frantically searching for an adult to change his pull-up diapers. We’ve documented much of the former truths, but for anyone doubting the latter accusation: please refer to this quick supercut of examples for evidence.

Did you know he also pronounces “Vladimir Putin” exactly the way you imagine he would? Not that anyone should listen to this guy ever again. Which is why, in this instance, we aren’t listening to him at all. That would be too kind. No, we’re simply pointing out how goofy he looks while running down sidewalks towards low-paid film extras, and thinking about how it embodies everything about his sad, toxically masculine, posturing excuse of a Just For Men-soaked existence.

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Thank you for your time and brief attention. This concludes our semi-regular reminder that Steven Seagal is a bloated, bargain bin DVD human and sycophant to tyrants who only deserves our scorn, shame, and ridicule. Have a wonderful, positive, Steven Seagal-free rest of your Thursday.

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).