If Couples Retreat's position at the top of the box office this weekend proves anything, it's that America is in the mood to laugh! Unfortunately, America has no sense of humor. How else can you explain the nation's collective embrace of a movie whose funniest joke is an over-eager, greasy, be-speedoed yoga instructor?
Of course, there are other theories. Maybe all of America wants a vacation—and the closest we can get is watching Vince Vaughn play Guitar Hero in a bar at some resort in Bora Bora. (We are sad.) Or maybe all of America is in a terrible monogamous relationship, and we all just want to see those terrible relationships hilariously played out on screen by a bunch of bare-bones caricatures. And even though our misery just gets deeper and darker with each passing moment spent chained to each other, we should all cling to our partners out of fear of eating alone at Applebee's—at least that's what made chronic cheaters Jon Favreau and Kristen Davis stay together in Couples Retreat.
Marriage! It totally sucks, you know? Couples Retreat does! They even put together a helpful (and soo-funny-cause-it's-true!) quiz on the movie's website to help miserable couples (which are all couples, am I right?). A sample:
Get it? Cause it's like women are always like, "I'm gonna take this relationship quiz online," and men are all like, "I'm gonna do that too, but pretend I'm not doing it for some reason." Venus, meet Mars!
They could simplify this quiz by just having one choice:
Are you an idiot?
Idiocy is gender neutral. Then there's this question:
It's funny cause its true? Men are always talking about how they'd like to wear a bikini while hanging out with Kristen Bell on a deserted island, right? And men are constantly clarifying, "By 'man's best friend' I meant 'my dog.'" Because that's a thing that needs clarification.
But why should Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau have the monopoly on writing unfunny, marriage sucks, vacation comedies? You can write "Vince Vaughn plays Guitar Hero for ten minutes at a bar in a resort in Bora Bora," right? Then you can write the next Couples Retreat! Below are a few ideas:
Take My Wife (& Me) To The Seychelles—Please!:
Two dudes (Vince Vaughn & Jon Favreau) take their wives, who they absolutely have no chemistry with, to the Seychelles to save their marriages and have endless Wii Bowling battles.
Man & Wife & Hawaii:
A dude (Vince Vaughn) gets married to a complete stranger just to get a free deluxe honeymoon package to Hawaii! After a week of fun in the sun with his "bride," he realizes what love and marriage are all about. Oh, and he plays Beatles Rock Band for 15 minutes.
The Honeymoon Suite:
A dude (Vince Vaughn) and his fiancee break up, but the honeymoon suite in Turks & Caicos has already been paid for, so he decides to take his new fiancee there for a lil vacay n' Wurdle. The problem is: his ex-fiancee (and her new boyfriend) had the same idea! Paradise is about to get crowded! Wurdle is about to be played onscreen by Vince Vaughn for 10 minutes!
Vince Vaughn Is In Aruba While Playing Grand Theft Auto And Fighting With His Wife: