A guide to what we’re barely putting up with this week.

Amazon’s pilot season. Vote for things that really matter, like the Amazon comedy you want to giddily chain-watch over a lazy weekend this fall.

The incomprehensible ads for Mortdecai. Finally: A movie brave enough to ask the question, “What happens when Johnny Depp puts on a fake mustache?”

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E!’s thoroughly ridiculous The Royals. Sure, Elizabeth Hurley is supposed to be the queen of England, but it’s still more believable than any given episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

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KFC’s disconcerting $5 “fill-ups.” Hungry? Fill that cavernous hunger-hole with as much leaden pot pie and gummy mashed potatoes $5 can buy!

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The Screen Actors Guild Awards: The award show where actors gush endlessly about other actors to end all award shows where actors gush endlessly about other actors.

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The least thrilling movie about hackers since, well, Hackers, Blackhat. It’s a sci-fi movie about a parallel universe where hackers look like Chris Hemsworth, and close-ups of numbers are exciting.

Fifty Shades Of Grey branded blindfolds, lube, and “massage candles.” Truly, nothing is sexier than stopping by Target to buy a tube of the “official” lubricant of your favorite Twilight-fan-fic-turned-book-turned-major-motion-picture.

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