A guide to what we’re barely putting up with this week.

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The riveting Wolf Hall. This historical drama is as close as we’re going to get to a PBS version of Game Of Thrones: no dragons, all intrigue.

The return of E!’s medical sadness parade, Botched. The show is filled with more uneven breast implants, ruined face-lifts, and infected tummy tucks than a museum of medical oddities, but it’s still less grotesque than Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

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The MTV Movie Awards, a.k.a. The Hunger Games Awards. Sure, it’s completely unnecessary. But if no one gets a trophy for “Best Kiss” all that metal popcorn will go to waste.

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The confusing return of fashion’s most unflattering pants, culottes. It’s the perfect garment for all those times when you can’t decide whether to wear a pair of hideous high-water pants, or a skirt from Lily Tomlin’s wardrobe in 9 To 5.

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The latest Nicholas Sparks’ schmaltzmance, The Longest Ride. An elderly man spins a story about lost love. Also, horses.

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Lifetime’s extreme nature birthing bonanza, Born In The Wild. Does it really count as “the wild” and “getting back to nature” if you’re setting up a tent, heating a birthing pool, and inviting an entire reality show crew?

The trailer for cinematic ipecac, Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence). Required viewing for the gross-out completist.

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