Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

True Love Waits (In Sweatpants)

Yesterday, Jezebel pointed me to the fact that K-Mart, one of our nation's finest Marts, is now selling abstinence sweatpants. I know what you're thinking and, yes, all sweatpants are basically abstinence sweatpants. Sheathing your lower-half in droopy, elastic-waisted fabric that is specifically designed to absorb sweat, is pretty close to choosing to wear a chastity belt in public.

But K-Mart's abstinence sweatpants are a little different. Of course, K-Mart doesn't call them "abstinence sweatpants"–the website lists the virginity dungarees as "Junior's Crop Pant With Graphics"–but considering that the "graphics" are the words "True Love Waits", arched across the back of the pants so that when the wearer bends over it forms a kind of chastity rainbow, trust me, they're abstinence sweatpants.

From K-Mart:

Whether she is lounging around the house, going to practice, or doing her chores…These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that "True Love Waits" in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants.

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In other words, "These are the perfect pants to ensure your child's purity—just don't ever let her take them off!"

Hopefully, there's at least one high school in America where these pants have become properly fetishized.

If fashion is a form of communication, and I've said that it is, the K-Mart virginity dungarees are a giant neon sign that constantly flashes the words, "My mom bought me these! My mom bought me these!" And/or possibly, "My parents wouldn't let me take Sex Ed! My parents wouldn't let me take Sex Ed!"

I can just imagine the tearful exchange between parent and daughter when, on her wedding day, she hands over the neatly folded sweatpants of her girlhood to her father's waiting hands, "Here, Dad," she'll say, her voice choking with emotion. "I guess I won't be needing these any more." Or, if that doesn't work out, the "True Love Waits" sweatpants seem roomy enough to accommodate a pregnant teen's growing belly. Either way, you get your $16.99 worth.

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