Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Twilight: The Documentary Reveals Vampires Aren't Real,

Before Britney Spears became famous, her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana was known mostly for water, more specifically Kentwood Springs water. Now, the town has a welcome sign that proudly claims "Home Of Britney Spears" and even a permanent Britney Spears exhibit (including a lifesize replica of her childhood bedroom—seriously) at the Kentwood Historical & Cultural Arts Museum—all of which makes complete sense because the only reason any tourist would go to Kentwood or the Kentwood Historical & Cultural Arts Museum is because of Britney Spears. If you were Kentwood, first off, you'd be a town, and secondly you'd definitely re-brand yourself as Home Of Britney Spears in the hope of squeezing a few dollars out of the Britney fanatics who occasionally roam your streets.

Likewise, the only reason any tourist would go to Forks, Washington is because they've read the disco-glitter vampire saga Twilight, which is set in Forks, and it corroded the logic processing and impulse control centers of their brain so thoroughly that they thought, "Hey, I wanna go see where this work of fiction is set—even though Stephenie Meyer had never been to Forks when she wrote the book, and only chose it as the setting after googling 'rainiest place in the US,' and despite the fact that the Twilight movie was shot in Vancouver." Naturally, an entire Twilight tourist industry has sprung up in Forks, which, again, makes complete sense. Why shouldn't the residents of Forks make a little money off of the Team-Edward-shirted throngs that invade their town, and pester them with questions like, "Do you know where Bella's house is?" And "Where are the CGI Huskies?" 


What doesn't make sense, however, is making a straight-to-DVD documentary called Twilight In Forks that purports to investigate, "how vampires actually relate to Forks, and whether there's some truth to the characters that you're familiar with." Because, unlike most of Britney Spears—SPOILER—Twilight isn't real. Vampires aren't real. And if they were real, they'd live in Transylvania. Everybody knows that.

Still, that didn't stop noted director Jason Brown from making it. So how stupid is Twilight In Forks? Thoroughly, unrelentingly stupid. From MTV:

You'll see shots of the forest and some shots of signs about vampires," explained Brown, who used high-def cameras to capture the area's gorgeous rain-forest-like landscape. "You'll meet a real-life Bella and a real-life Alice that are in Forks."

"There's a real-life Bella working at the Fork's Outfitters in Forks," marveled Brown


Jesus. If the fact that a person with the same first name as a character in Twilight lives in the town where Twilight is set "marvels" Jason Brown, imagine how mesmerized he'll be when a Forks teenager douses himself in body glitter, pops in a set of fake fangs, and tells Brown, "I am a romantic sparkly vampire! I love my human girlfriend so much! Now give me your wallet, and your car keys or you'll ruin our perfect love!"

The trailer for Twilight In Forks perfectly recreates exactly what it's like for a Twilightard to visit Forks: No vampires, but lots of tired, annoyed residents and exasperated sighs from creeped out locals

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