In many ways, dating a vampire is a status booster. Sure, they're brooding, and moody, and pasty, and since they're 100-year-old beings dating high school students, they're essentially undead pedophiles. But when your friends see your vampire boyfriend's skin sparkle in the sun like a tube of body glitter under the harsh florescent lighting of Rite Aid, they can't help but be jealous.

So it's understandable why a teenage girl would want to date one. But if we've learned anything from Twilight (besides, of course, what Peter Facinelli looks like with about 50 pounds of white clown make-up on his face), it's that vampires make the worst boyfriends: They only kiss you once a year (on your birthday, after you've practically begged them to). They're endlessly selfish—Instead of taking you out for your birthday, they arrange some boring get-together with their weird vampire family, the dullest cake in the Ace Of Cakes repetoire, and 100s of votive candles. When they get mad, they totally overreact and abandon you in the creepy clearing. And worst of all, they break up with you just because you got a paper cut—which, hello, you can't help. Everyone gets paper cuts from wrapping paper as they're opening presents. Maybe they'd know that if they actually lived in the world instead of died in it all the time.

No wonder Kristen Stewart is interested in the cartoon Husky shape-shifter boy-next-door. At least he's, you know, friendly.     


"Ow. Paper cut." Just as a scene where someone gets hit in the balls will always make it into a comedy trailer, a scene where one character gets a nasty paper cut will always make it into a teen vampire melodrama trailer.